I saw an old picture of myself I had never seen yesterday. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.
In fact, it made me really sad. Because as soon as I saw myself, I was instantly transported back to how I felt and who I saw myself as at that time.
I’ve grown a lot since then. And I do not want to go back.
Because that girl in the photo…
That girl had no hope that things could be better for her.
That girl didn’t believe that she was worth investing in, caring for, and improving.
That girl thought the only way she had value was in how she took care of others. And she tried so much to grasp that value.
That girl was a believer of a lot of lies. You can’t. You shouldn’t. You don’t belong. Don’t try to be something you’re not. You are not worth the work it would take. You are too far gone. You are a lost cause.
I didn’t know at the time that’s how I saw myself. I had no idea. It wasn’t until I started breaking through some of those lies, until I got some distance from them, until I was looking back and got flooded with all those old feelings that I really began to recognize so many of the damaging feelings I had.
I cried at crossfit today.
It was a really hard workout, but I did it. After my group completed the workout I watched the next group have their turn.
When I did the workout I struggled. My legs were wobbly and I though they might just stop supporting me. And I wasn’t even close to finished! I didn’t think I could.
The second group was full of athletic badasses in beast mode. They move faster than I do, they throw more weight than I do, and they look a hell of a lot more impressive doing it than I do.
And I noticed…. Their legs got wobbly too. And they were struggling too.
Yes, I was struggling…. but look around me… look at the kind of people I’m struggling with.
In that moment, I knew just how far I had come, how much differently I see myself now, how much more supportive and healthy my feelings are. And I took in a deep breath of pride. And I cried – I couldn’t hold it back.
Because that girl would have never, ever attempted to hang with the athletic badasses. Never. No she would have beat herself up for even thinking such a thing, viciously. She would have ridiculed herself relentlessly… to dare consider trying to do what they were doing. Who does she think she is?
But this girl. She does.
This girl knows she’s not as strong but she is worthy of trying. She’s worthy of the work it takes to get stronger.
This girl knows her body is worth investing in too. It’s worth effort too. It’s worth love too.
This girl is brave enough to struggle with athletes.
I wonder what she will be brave enough to do tomorrow.