Wander Lost

I’ve always known what to do with a dream, I’ve always been a bit lost without one.

I often say all I need is to be able to see the destination, and I can keep moving. It’s that vision for where I want to be that gives me sense of direction and the courage to take the next step.

It’s dumb to be this way, a dreamer, at the mercy of whatever wild idea takes over your world, driven by it and lost without it. It’s dumb. Why can’t I just do or don’t because that’s what I decide?

It was just a few words, but, instantly and without permission, it became my dream. And that’s exactly why I started running.

It was very vivid – it was a race that should be impossible for me, audacious to even try, but I make it to the end, triumph, I turn to the side to see the shining face of a favorite person, we throw our arms around each other, glowing accomplishment and pride in ourselves, in each other, we did it, together. Cheesy right? But it was that specific moment. That really is why I started running. It was a perfect moment and I was going to write it in my story.

I busted my ass for it. Running is hard. Running overweight is hard. Running with arthritis is hard. Running for the first time pushing 40 is hard. I fought injury. For months. And more injury. I viciously shamed myself for not being in better condition to start running. For months. But chasing that perfect moment drove every step, every mile, through every ache, every pain.

I had a dream. I can do anything with a dream.   (I mean, I think I can.)

Eventually, it was clear that moment was not going to happen for me.

Losing a dream sucks. I mean, you lose a goal, you set another one. You lose a dream, you just wander lost until another dream grabs you and consumes your life. Or, at least, that’s how it works for me.

And that’s how I’ve spent the last couple months as a new runner. Lost. No dream to drive me, no direction, struggling. Bleh!

While none of these have made it to dream status, I’d love to run on the beach, in the Pacific Northwest, Maine, the Smokies, under the giant redwoods, to explore the downtowns of all the greatest cities on foot. Maybe I need to travel. Sandy the Traveling Runner has a nice ring to it… 😂

I love audacious. Impossible. Completely unrealistic. Not much else lights a fire in me.

I thought a half was insane, but now I think I could do it. Maybe I’m going to have to think a little bigger to find a pursuit that looks like audacious and impossible (Sandy, stop!)

I love sharing my dreams with my people. It sucks to do something crazy and impossible alone.  I might have some people who will subject themselves to my crazy ideas….and if not, I bet learning to be comfortable by myself will be good for me anyway.

Until then, maybe wandering won’t be so bad….

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