It never stops

It wasn’t a run day. But I just had to. I had anxious energy running through me and I wanted to burn it off. 

I think I’m the least self-aware person I know. I generally don’t know what’s going on with me until I hear someone describe it. And I’m like “yes! That!” Kind of like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue….. And then someone says it out loud for you. And you’re like ‘that’s it!’

I just know I’m full of anxious energy. Like today.

I hit the track –  I know what’s weighing on me – I’m desperate to use up this energy – I can’t stand it running through my body. I almost immediately put both earbuds in so I can tune out my surroundings and get lost.

It’s abandonment. It was her deepest fear. Mine too! She was terrified of it. Me too. Then she said you have to stop running away. You have to turn toward it, look at it. Feel it.

I didn’t know that’s what it was. I just know I’m constantly trying to figure where I stand with those I love the most. What my worth is to them. What my value is. What their loyalty is to me. Constantly.  My innate ability to just know is broken – completely.

Obsessively searching for clues, signs, evidence. Proof – proof that all these things I feel are true.

Proof that my value is there,  and I can rest in that for a day or two. Or proof that it’s not. And at least I’ll know.

It never stops. I just want to be free of this.

The cool night air feels good on my face. Filling my lungs fully – it feels good.

OK she says run toward your abandonment. Feel it. I’m running.

Yes. I know abandonment. I know what it feels like. My mom. She abandoned me. She absolutely walked out of my life.

She removed herself so far from me she seems to have no idea that she wrote abandonment onto me. She can’t see it.  She abandoned me so fully she can’t even imagine that not having her might have hurt me. How? All she’d have to do is look at me. How do mom’s just abandon their little girls? How does she not see that I needed her.  I still bear these scars.

My mom. Your mom is supposed to snuggle you and read you stories, kiss your boo boos, help you find your strength, help you find your value, ALWAYS STAND BESIDE YOU.

I don’t know what any of that is like!

I’m breathing hard and a little erratic, there is a slight whimper in my exhale.

Is this what she meant by turn toward it and feel it?

Your mom is supposed to fill you with all the good things – unwavering love, gritty strength, impenetrable security, unconditional acceptance. I have always been so empty. I have never known what any of that is like. I’ve never, ever had it. How very sad.

This air feels good on my face. But my eyes are stinging and filling up.

It’s abandonment. I never had a place to express it, to feel it.  I always thought if I said it out loud I was being mean. But it’s the truth. This is the truth if my life.

No wonder I’ve never felt secure in relationships. I’m terrified if I begin to need someone, they will walk away. I mean… This is what I know. It’s woven into my fibers.

This run is this weird mixture of this feels horrible and this feels so good. I normally enjoy forcing my brain to be still and be quiet while I run. This is the first time I’ve ever thought about stuff, felt stuff, and cried as I ran. I’m new to this, I’m sure there will be more like this.

I’m begging God to free me. To break these chains. To release me.

I’m visualizing….as I run…. I’m begging for freedom… Chains all over me…. He’s up ahead and I’m running toward him begging him to free me of this.

The chains of where is my worth to you? Where is my value? Will you forget I’m here? How do I know you aren’t going to abandon me? What do I have… I’ll grab anything.

I’ve never cried out to God on a run before. I’ve barely spoken to him at all in the past few years. But here I am running, running away from the old me, running toward all the places that hurt, running toward Him, pleading God please take these chains, free me of this.

Dammit these tears keep stinging my eyes. How long have I been running? It feels like forever. Yet like I could go on forever.

It never stops. I just want to be free from this.

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