I always wanted to be someone who could say “they tried to break me! But look at me! look at me still standing!”
But the truth. The truth is, they weren’t thinking of me at all… And I am broken.
It came spilling out today.
For the millionth time my feelings were very hurt, unintentionally. For the millionth time…I was crushed, feeling forgotten and not included. Unwanted.
And my daughter said “why are you being so emotional? You need to take a step back. Are you about to start your period? You’re being really emotional.”
I hate the invalidating nature of assuming PMS when someone expresses emotion. I glared at her.
I said “no. It has nothing to do with hormones. It’s real. It’s because this is where I’m broken. It’s because it is written onto the core of who I am, from my formitave years, that I don’t belong anywhere and I am not worth keeping. And I know everybody feels that from time to time… But my life says it’s the TRUTH.”
This is about the time the tears start reaching my lower jaw and dropping off my face, my voice starts cracking, and she looks away from me.
I don’t think I’ve ever said this aloud before. I don’t know that she’s ever seen this side of me.
“It’s not a FEAR in my life. It’s the REALITY of my life. And I can’t shake it.”
I look to Matt. There is love and compassion in his eyes.
“no matter the love I’ve felt since, all the times it’s been proven otherwise, I can’t unwrite those messages. They beat me up. And it sends me into a tailspin.
I want to be done.
I’m tired of being a broken person. Can I be done now?”
People, love your babies.
If you have them. Love them.
If you put people in their lives, make sure they love them.
And if you’re broken yourself – face it now, deal with that shit. Now. Stop passing it down.
Your kids are not that resilient – you know what they are? They’re impressionable, they are developing, they are taking shape! When you don’t love them, when you can’t feel, when your world is only as big as you – they carry it, and it’s heavy, and they can’t put it down. It touches everything they do… Every relationship they have.
It’s important work.
And if it’s a sacrifice to do so…. It’s a sacred sacrifice.
