I wasnt really planning to run. With dentist appointments for the whole family this morning, and work appointments all afternoon my day had been full already.
What was it? After 7pm? And I hadn’t eaten since noon.
I wasn’t planning to run. I had so many other things to do.
But watching the storm break and the sky fill up with pretty colors on the way home started prodding my heart outdoors.
I’m a little embarrassed to admit this… But this craving begins to consume me… Kinda like an addict looking for a fix. When did this happen to me?! I was craving the burning feeling of filling my lungs deeply with cool night air, the relaxation of settling into a steady rhythmic trance, delirious exhaustion.
The more I thought about all the things I needed to do at home the more I had to get out.
And I did.
I didn’t really have any preconceived notions for how far I was going to run. I mean….i always have that next little bit farther. But that wasn’t important to me tonight.
I ended up running over 7 miles. Which is the farthest I’ve ever ran. But that’s not the significant part.
What’s significant to me, tonight, is that I think this was my very first really enjoyable, fun run.
Up to this point every run has been a fight, and while I value the growth in the fight, it’s not fun. Not at all. Every run has been a fight against my fears, my inadequacy, and the mean things I tell myself. Read about it here, and here, and here.
Every run.
I can’t do this. Yes I can!
I’m not worth the effort. Yes I am!
I’ll never get better. Even if I don’t!
Tonight, none of that. I just felt good. I was happy to be there. I don’t remember telling myself mean things, I pondered events of my day, thought about my upcoming road trip with Matt, I watched the last little bit of color leave the sky and it was beautiful. At one point I even began to think about my legs and how thankful I am for them – that they are getting stronger and more powerful and they did not let me down.
All these months I’ve been fighting, but this evening my heart was full of peace.
More of this please! Come on, I’ve earned it.